Autism Perspective Evolved

Evelyn here.

It's been almost two years ago since we were blessed with the company of the filming crew from the United States of Autism documentary.  As I read the updates on production, I can't help but go back to that day, to go over what I said and/or didn't say, and to worry that perhaps I didn't show myself and my family in the best light.

Although, I suppose a documentary isn't about giving people their best side, it's about showing people the whole picture, right?

Anyway, there is one moment that comes back to haunt me. Partially because I worry what other will think when they see the film, but mostly because my opinion on something very particular has....evolved, if you will.

I'm not going to go into details about anything I did or said the day of filming, but I will share with you an opinion I had back then...I am a Mormon, and as such, I believe in the Resurrection.  I believe that one day our bodies and spirits, if separated, will be reunited and that our bodies will be perfected.

My opinion two years ago was that one day my sweet little Buddy Boy would be resurrected, and that he would, too, be perfected, and that thought brought me hope.

I'm horrified that I ever looked at it that way, and I beg my son's forgiveness now.

Who am I to say that HE is the one in need of "perfection", in need of fixing?  What in the world possessed me to believe that hope couldn't possibly come UNTIL that day?

As I watch my son struggle with every day things, things that you and I think are so completely simple, I am amazed.  I am amazed at his dedication to work, work, and work some more to do the things that we as a society consider "appropriate", or "normal".  I am humbled by his effort to please me and make me proud.  I am touched by his moments of success and achievement.

I realize that my son is so PERFECTLY....HIM.  He's just who he is supposed to be, and he's so uniquely...HIMSELF!  People say to me all the time, "I believe God sent Buddy Boy to you because you are strong, capable, and an individual who can love and support him in his challenges."  How wrong they are.  I realize that he wasn't sent to me because I'm an incredible mom and he needs someone like me to love him.  Perhaps he was sent to me because HE is such an incredible son and I am the one who needs someone like HIM to love ME.  To teach ME.  Perhaps it is me who will be forever changed and "fixed" on that great day.  Perhaps perfection is simply more of an awakening, of a more open love and acceptance of all those around us, whether they "fit in" or not.  We all know that Christ certainly never fit in, and it didn't make Him any less perfect...


I'm not going to pretend; I still think autism SUCKS!  I still hate seeing the frustration and overload that is experienced on a regular basis.  I hate having to change diapers more than 5 years after giving birth to my youngest.  Maybe this is a perfect example of how much more acceptance I need; who knows?  In the meantime, I will enjoy being able to love, support, and appreciate my son more fully now, as he is...in all his wonderful, Buddy Boy Glory.